A Midwest April Fools

March Blizzard = April Snow

Fun Fact: I am going into my SIXTH consecutive month of winter.

Fun Fact II: I am going into FOURTH month of sporting da big jacket.

Truth

Old Habits

It used to be that I shuddered at the idea of entering a Wal-Mart. I sniggered at its shady business practices and was unimpressed by the smiley face stickers. Not to mention I would have to travel to underworld of Simi Valley or Oxnard to even find a superstore.

Upon moving to Fargo, I viewed the fluorescent-lit-city-of-stuff as a necessary evil. It sold $3.00 Minute Maid Brain Juice and was open 24 hours. To navigate the over-crowded aisles I developed a stance called "Wal-Mart Elbows". One is in "Wal-Mart Elbows" when both hands are on each respective hip and create a harsh wide elbow angle. To utilize the stance's full power I encourage one top sway his or her shoulders back and forth. Voila, Wal-Mart People remain a safe distance from your very own personal space bubble*.

*NOTE: One's boyfriend may also stay far away from your personal space bubble, and pretend not to know you, whilst one is enacting "Wal-Mart Elbows".

New Beginnings 

This past weekend marked a new chapter in my Wal-Mart journey. I may have become a Wal-Mart People. Despite my dislike for the store's ethics and my belief that most of their products are sweat-shop-junk, this weekend's actions may have placed me in the weird people at Wal-Mart category.

During my search for inexpensive frozen fruit I tore into a 16 pack of "Chocolate Fudge Pop Tarts". I then went on to devour three packs of the delicious delicacy while wandering the aisles, paying my cashier and hauling my frozen fruit out to my truck. I ate without abandon or fear of what my fellow shoppers thought. Wal-Mart People stayed far away; "Wal-Mart Elbows" unneeded. I was the Wal-Mart People. And this is my truth.

Two Tid-Bits

COOL KID ALERT:

 Pop Tart's website is seriously amazing. In addition to Pop-Tart games and recipes it even has up-and-coming flavors. SPOILER ALERT, 'Murrican Poptart is on its way. 

Life Fact:

Keds and three foot snowdrifts don't mix.

Midwest Points

Wearing Normal Shoes on an -11 day= 7 Midwest Points

Admittingly shopping at Wal-Mart= 3 Midwest Points

Midwest Specific

The latest in my Midwest Fashion

Hello from the Big Bad Burnt Marshmallow

& my New Year's Eve ensemble.

Earth-Shattering

California Confession

I have redrafted my knowledge of snow machinery. Until this week I had never seen a snowblower. Sometime throughout my young life I conceptualized that a snowblower would have the same design and structure as a leafblower*. However unlike a leafblower, a snowblower would shoot out a thin column of flames to melt the snow. 

*an object I had only seen in movies

Revelation

On my drive to work yesterday I witnessed my neighbors and city workers doing something very odd. Men and women were "mowing" every snowy sidewalks with walkable contraptions that shot the "mowed" snow in a perpendicular direction. A thought crossed my mind as I paused at a slushy stop sign: perhaps this is a snowblower.

A SNOWBLOWER
Photo: HomeDepot.com

The thought clicked in my mind like the first time I heard the intended pronunciation of the Hogwart's houses. Thus, I have gained Midwest Knowledge and now have a patent pending for a "Snow Fireball".

SNOW WORLD, SNOW LIFE

Winter Wonder/Dangerland

EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT, EVERYTHING IS NEW. To borrow a sentiment from Cindy Lou Who circa Jim Carey Grinch,  "My world is changing, its rearranging." That is, my world is now a SNOW WORLD. AND I LIVE A SNOW LIFE.

Fargo made it through Thanksgiving with the arrival of the tinniest runt-of-the-litter snowflakes. Preston and I retrieved JC Penny snow globes and other Black Friday booty in a still autumnal world. The post-Thanksgiving weekend trailed on with trips to Target and the unveiling of Preston's home-brewed cider.  We drank on the floor with friends and laughter. And the world was still brown.  But come Monday morning EVERYTHING CHANGED. EVERYTHING REARRANGED.

My Winterized Street

A foot of thick snow had descended overnight. It was beautiful. Side streets and fir trees were candy coated in powdery snow. Angular city edges were made soft. And bare tree branches glistened. The air was refreshingly cold. Each breath seemed to sweep away the remains of humid summer air still lingering in the corners of my lungs. My nose and cheeks flushed in the chill.

Pavement Perils 

This SNOW WORLD, SNOW LIFE  brought about a quest: driving to work in the snow. Before last Monday I had never even been on a snowy road before. And by the end of the day my F150 and I had traversed Fargo's snowy grid.

I bumped off curbs, slid through intersections and drove up a slushy hill at a forty-five degree angle. Driving cockeyed up the hill reminded me of California. My futile attempts to correct my back wheels were reminiscent of biking over Pacific sand dunes-when I used to live someplace warm, ever-so-long ago.

A Glazed Downtown

My struggles continued until the final stretch of my three mile drive. A drive that took twenty minutes. While sliding down Broadway a numerical button caught my eye. Its painted inscription read: 4X4. Four wheel drive is magnificent, a thousand thanks to the genius who invented the snow-friendly function. My day surged with an adrenal rush. The flood of post-trauma chemicals celebrated my survival and triumph over frosted pavement.  I fueled this feeling with eight cups of coffee. A choice I later regretted.

High Fashion

My SNOW WORLD, SNOW LIFE continued with a drastic temperature skydive. Come Thursday the warm thirties abandoned us. A reign of terror hosted by the negatives has taken hold over North Dakota. Yesterday I left for work in -14. To combat such a toxic atmosphere I created my own Arctic Tundra Survival Suit.

Suitin' Up

My ensemble consisted of: leggings, two pairs-one to hold up the leggings- of underwear, ugly socks, brand-new Uggs, Walmart gloves,  wool mittens, a pink North Face fleece, my birthday scarf, a Harlem souvenir hat,  a slouchy shirt-dress, and puppy pajama pants to complete the look. My co-worker Matt said that I looked like a five year old who dressed themself that morning.

Epilogue 

I have currently existed in several days of below zero temperatures. Preston and I even took a short jaunt afterwork in search of downtown Christmas presents. And I am pleased and shocked that I am somehow alive and existing. I am actually in shock that whole societies of people live and thrive outside of Mediterranean longitudes.

I had theorized that humans, like other animals, are meant to be naked and therefore should only live in habitats were one can be naked all the time. HELLO Palms Springs! Preston feels differently. He believes that humans have minds to make tools, such as clothes, and therefore can live anywhere they find a way to survive. 

And while it may not be up to my standards of "Natural Human Habitats" with the help of indoor heating, F150's and puppy pants I have endured my first week of winter. Against all odds. 

MIDWEST POINTS

Enduring my First Week of Winter-Against All Odds= 20 MIDWEST POINTS

Driving in Snow= 7 MIDWEST POINTS

Driving Poorly in Snow= -11 MIDWEST POINTS

Seeing Frozen Water for the First Time= 4 MIDWEST POINTS

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like...

Early Arrival

A funny thing happened in Fargo this week. An early frost of Christmas decorations dusted every doorway and light post with tinsel and holly. When I asked a local about the preemptive festivity, she sighed, "It's too early if you ask me, but it's what they do every year."

Busy Sides, City Sidewalks, Dressed in Holiday Style

Christmas Here & There

While I personally observe a post-Thanksgiving holiday doctrine, I am completely un-offended by the gesture. I've seen much worse. Without the seasonal rhythm of Labor Day, Halloween and Thanksgiving to slow them down, Ozzie stores gush with red and green as early as October 1st. The back to school pencil cases are traded for candy cane colored Whoville contraptions. A summertime Christmas calls for all sorts of different Santa interpretations*. And while those of the mighty Midwest winters may dismiss Californian Christmas as flip-flop weather, there is still a wintery sense amongst the natives.

*think wake boarding Santas and neon Christmas trees

Joining in the Christmas Spirit

Not one to be a stick in the mud, I decided to embrace my new found yuletide surroundings with a bit of shopping.  Typically I prefer to shop for books and picture frames; clothes are not jive. But this new season, named fall, is leading me to dressing rooms and clearance racks. The time of sweaters has been thrust upon me. 

Dressed for the Mall*
*my mom refuses to go to the mall underdressed

Maxxinista

In addition to comfy sweaters, it is also time that I pick up some new jeans. It has come to my attention that a lot happened in the world of denim while I wandered around Thailand last spring. My well worn Levis are no longer cool. I am in need of a serious dose of hip. But not too much. A recent trip to Forever 21 taught me that I may never be the epitome of hip again. It looks like I am destined to be Currently 23, and Eventually 24, and so on. Lucky for me, there is TJ Maxx, which giveth unto me a woven bounty. And with said bounty a monster has been unleashed, e.g. I bought jeggings!?!! Not to mention I have already made plans to go boot searching next week.

Glories of Glories!!!

I cannot wait to surprise all my regulars tomorrow. It turns out my fashion choices have sent out a ripple at my lovely cafe. Typically, I dress for each day as if it were 70 outside, seeing as how I only have clothing for such temperatures. And before I head out the door, I zipper up my bulky and fluffy snow jacket. Once I get to work I shed my wintery layer and double wrap my apron strings. My bare arms never crossed my mind, until the one day I wore a flannel button down (Californians wear those). Over six tables of people and the mail man were shocked at my plaid covered arms. Hopefully my new threads will help me blend in better. And then people will finally cease querying if I have ever seen snow. Come on people, southern California is not Siam.

Forward

I am moving to a place I have never been before. It isn't the first time and probably won't be the last. The unknown and underrated always seem to know my name; and each calls to me at just the right moment. I fall for those places least likely to land on a "Top Ten Best Places to Vacation this Summer". And my gut just knows that Fargo North Dakota is going to be a new and special kind of home.


Bets have placed at how long I'll last. My Uncle Mike, has dibs on a Thanksgiving retreat. And yeah, I know it's cold. Well not really.

I have done my research, and discovered that:

1)North Dakota is covered in snow from October to May

2)-30 is a real temperature

3)People and even whole communities can survive in -30

4) There is a thing called "Wind Chill"


 I was raised in a hilly and warm suburb of Los Angeles, and other than a semester in Prague, Czech Republic I have never really lived, visited or been in snow. To clue you in to my clueless-ness I didn't even pack socks for Prague. But lucky for me, Central Europe has many socks and some pretty cool snow jackets too.

Me in my super sweet Czech-made snow jacket

 Franz Kafka Museum, Prague, CZ

After graduating college my boyfriend and I dove down under for the year. As our summer time Christmas rolled around our European friends moped about the unfestive warm weather and "inauthenticity" of  a sunshine filled advent. The Ozzy Nativity  felt like one of the many magical childhood Christmas Days I spent swimming in my Aunt and Uncle's pool.

Preston & I at our neighborhood's live Nativity

Ultimo, Sydney, AUS

But for the sake of newness and armed with a double dose of wanderlust, I find myself headed to the great plains of America. And I just cannot wait.