Midwest Specific

Eternal Recurrence: Winter Edition

The Threshold/Blizzard Alert: Fargo Wins April Fools

Fargo has pasted the threshold. Spring has come and gone without an invitation to join its merriment and thaw. We will due without daffodils, easter eggs and allergies.

10 AM

 Instead, we shall dwell in this endless loop of winter.

3 PM

On this day, the last day of March, I have crossed icy roads, drifted into snowbanks and enacted my trusty four wheel drive.  We are bound to endure winter once more. 

5 PM

Midwest Specifics

In honor of the return of the cold and this evening's snow dusting I have presented a clip of blowing snow. Blowing snow is one of my favorite winter things; except when it really blows, and I find myself stranded in Minneapolis, which was actually quite fun, so I suppose I do in fact always love windy snow days. 

Midwest Specific

This photo commemorates the time I got my truck inexplicably stuck in a snowbank. My tires spun as the entire cardio room of the YMCA gawked. Meanwhile I contemplated laying across the front bench until the snow thawed.

This photo commemorates the tow truck superhero who rescued Dragon, and told me that I was officially a midwesterner.

Midwest Points

Getting Stuck in the Snow = 7 MIDWEST POINTS

Waiting to be rescued in the YMCA sauna= 2 MIDWEST POINTS

Crying in my car = -4 MIDWEST POINTS

Truth

Old Habits

It used to be that I shuddered at the idea of entering a Wal-Mart. I sniggered at its shady business practices and was unimpressed by the smiley face stickers. Not to mention I would have to travel to underworld of Simi Valley or Oxnard to even find a superstore.

Upon moving to Fargo, I viewed the fluorescent-lit-city-of-stuff as a necessary evil. It sold $3.00 Minute Maid Brain Juice and was open 24 hours. To navigate the over-crowded aisles I developed a stance called "Wal-Mart Elbows". One is in "Wal-Mart Elbows" when both hands are on each respective hip and create a harsh wide elbow angle. To utilize the stance's full power I encourage one top sway his or her shoulders back and forth. Voila, Wal-Mart People remain a safe distance from your very own personal space bubble*.

*NOTE: One's boyfriend may also stay far away from your personal space bubble, and pretend not to know you, whilst one is enacting "Wal-Mart Elbows".

New Beginnings 

This past weekend marked a new chapter in my Wal-Mart journey. I may have become a Wal-Mart People. Despite my dislike for the store's ethics and my belief that most of their products are sweat-shop-junk, this weekend's actions may have placed me in the weird people at Wal-Mart category.

During my search for inexpensive frozen fruit I tore into a 16 pack of "Chocolate Fudge Pop Tarts". I then went on to devour three packs of the delicious delicacy while wandering the aisles, paying my cashier and hauling my frozen fruit out to my truck. I ate without abandon or fear of what my fellow shoppers thought. Wal-Mart People stayed far away; "Wal-Mart Elbows" unneeded. I was the Wal-Mart People. And this is my truth.

Two Tid-Bits

COOL KID ALERT:

 Pop Tart's website is seriously amazing. In addition to Pop-Tart games and recipes it even has up-and-coming flavors. SPOILER ALERT, 'Murrican Poptart is on its way. 

Life Fact:

Keds and three foot snowdrifts don't mix.

Midwest Points

Wearing Normal Shoes on an -11 day= 7 Midwest Points

Admittingly shopping at Wal-Mart= 3 Midwest Points

Breach of Conduct

The Code

I am a person of few rules. I think folks ought to treat each other kindly. And I believe in most of the amendments. But other than those two guiding principles I think the less rules the better. Yet, there is one code I cannot compromise. The Code of 703.

Drafted by several humanities majors and a lone biology student, The Code of 703 outlines conduct conducive to best living. The trio of lifestyle guidelines are painted in the bottom drawer of a yet another dumpster dresser. And are as follows:

The Code of 703

1. We have messy hair, we do what we want. 
2. Nothing Colorado. Ever.
3. Never have a defeatist attitude.*
(Later Amendment)
*One is allowed to have a defeatist attitude if she has been vortexed. 

CRY, CRY, CRY FACE

This is my code. These are my values. And yet, this is my reality. 

Today I wondered how long I would have to blubber, sob and cry until Preston suggested that we head home to California. Immediately.

Today I deeply questioned my sanity for choosing to live in the grand and grim Great Plains.

Today I stepped outside in -24 degrees, -60 when accounting for wind chill.

Today I threw hot coffee into the air and watched it billow into an arch of dragon breath.

Today my bare fingers stuck and froze to the metal door handle.

Today I witnessed my poor truck recede into an icy slumber that no jumper cables could rouse.

Today I wore two layers of...HATS.

Today I was a defeatist.

Midwest Points

Contemplating Crying My Way Back to California= -24 MIDWEST POINTS

Still Being Alive= 24 MIDWEST POINTS

Midwest Specific

The latest in my Midwest Fashion

Hello from the Big Bad Burnt Marshmallow

& my New Year's Eve ensemble.

Vocabulary

Colloquial Realization

I lack a certain vocabulary. I am without the words to describe snow. I speak rain. But snow doesn't sprinkle or pour. While far from fluent in any precipitation I know that a blizzard transcends the meaning of cats and dogs. I am in the need of new words. 

Snow Sky!

Snow Slang

Without proper terms and syntax I have created my own. Thus far in my life I have witnessed three kinds of snow:

1. Salting: 

A snow salting is comprised of a soft dusting of teeny tiny snowflakes; the way in which snow "sprinkles". 

Road Safety Issues = None

2. Christmas Time: 

Christmas Time snow occurs when quarter-sized fluffy flakes whirl and twirl as if existing in the final scene of any Christmas classic. To me, Christmas Time snow is reminiscent of Disneyland's perfectly perfect bubble soap snow that finishes December firework shows. 

Road Safety Issues = Slippery Streets

3. Blustery:

Blustery snow is a vengeant medium of the water cycle. Thick and thin walls of flakes dampen mittens and hide miles of scenery. Blustery snow is sharp with cold and leaves dirty brown ice in its wake. Once a blustery snowflake flew up my nose. The experience was unpleasant. 

Road Safety Issues = Lack of Visibility, Icy Roads & Thick snow-covered intersections

New Words

With the exception of the damned and determined blustery snowflake my time with snow has been new and nice. Finding words for foreign experiences reveals the deep poetry within all our lives. My life has been blessed with stanzas that captivate and comfort; a theme I wish for everyone.

Midwest Specifics

A pair of rough-n-tumble snow boots have made their way into my ever-expanding slushy, snowy world. 

Owning a pair of snow boots, other than UGGS = 7 MIDWEST POINTS

SNOW WORLD, SNOW LIFE

Winter Wonder/Dangerland

EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT, EVERYTHING IS NEW. To borrow a sentiment from Cindy Lou Who circa Jim Carey Grinch,  "My world is changing, its rearranging." That is, my world is now a SNOW WORLD. AND I LIVE A SNOW LIFE.

Fargo made it through Thanksgiving with the arrival of the tinniest runt-of-the-litter snowflakes. Preston and I retrieved JC Penny snow globes and other Black Friday booty in a still autumnal world. The post-Thanksgiving weekend trailed on with trips to Target and the unveiling of Preston's home-brewed cider.  We drank on the floor with friends and laughter. And the world was still brown.  But come Monday morning EVERYTHING CHANGED. EVERYTHING REARRANGED.

My Winterized Street

A foot of thick snow had descended overnight. It was beautiful. Side streets and fir trees were candy coated in powdery snow. Angular city edges were made soft. And bare tree branches glistened. The air was refreshingly cold. Each breath seemed to sweep away the remains of humid summer air still lingering in the corners of my lungs. My nose and cheeks flushed in the chill.

Pavement Perils 

This SNOW WORLD, SNOW LIFE  brought about a quest: driving to work in the snow. Before last Monday I had never even been on a snowy road before. And by the end of the day my F150 and I had traversed Fargo's snowy grid.

I bumped off curbs, slid through intersections and drove up a slushy hill at a forty-five degree angle. Driving cockeyed up the hill reminded me of California. My futile attempts to correct my back wheels were reminiscent of biking over Pacific sand dunes-when I used to live someplace warm, ever-so-long ago.

A Glazed Downtown

My struggles continued until the final stretch of my three mile drive. A drive that took twenty minutes. While sliding down Broadway a numerical button caught my eye. Its painted inscription read: 4X4. Four wheel drive is magnificent, a thousand thanks to the genius who invented the snow-friendly function. My day surged with an adrenal rush. The flood of post-trauma chemicals celebrated my survival and triumph over frosted pavement.  I fueled this feeling with eight cups of coffee. A choice I later regretted.

High Fashion

My SNOW WORLD, SNOW LIFE continued with a drastic temperature skydive. Come Thursday the warm thirties abandoned us. A reign of terror hosted by the negatives has taken hold over North Dakota. Yesterday I left for work in -14. To combat such a toxic atmosphere I created my own Arctic Tundra Survival Suit.

Suitin' Up

My ensemble consisted of: leggings, two pairs-one to hold up the leggings- of underwear, ugly socks, brand-new Uggs, Walmart gloves,  wool mittens, a pink North Face fleece, my birthday scarf, a Harlem souvenir hat,  a slouchy shirt-dress, and puppy pajama pants to complete the look. My co-worker Matt said that I looked like a five year old who dressed themself that morning.

Epilogue 

I have currently existed in several days of below zero temperatures. Preston and I even took a short jaunt afterwork in search of downtown Christmas presents. And I am pleased and shocked that I am somehow alive and existing. I am actually in shock that whole societies of people live and thrive outside of Mediterranean longitudes.

I had theorized that humans, like other animals, are meant to be naked and therefore should only live in habitats were one can be naked all the time. HELLO Palms Springs! Preston feels differently. He believes that humans have minds to make tools, such as clothes, and therefore can live anywhere they find a way to survive. 

And while it may not be up to my standards of "Natural Human Habitats" with the help of indoor heating, F150's and puppy pants I have endured my first week of winter. Against all odds. 

MIDWEST POINTS

Enduring my First Week of Winter-Against All Odds= 20 MIDWEST POINTS

Driving in Snow= 7 MIDWEST POINTS

Driving Poorly in Snow= -11 MIDWEST POINTS

Seeing Frozen Water for the First Time= 4 MIDWEST POINTS

Midwest Specifics

A disputed* snow cloud loomed just beyond downtown. 

* The mailman claimed it was, every other man said it wasn't.

I sided with the mailman, trusting that they know things about rain, sleet & snow, dontcha know.